Bumper to Bumper

Midwestern folk live a fairly sheltered existence. The calm of the suburbs provides a safe haven from witnessing certain things that would shock the normal everyday person, but become the norm for the big city dweller. Manhattan is an island of extremes. On one hand, there are the incredibly wealthy who reside in townhouse mansions and penthouse apartments, and on the other, the homeless and impoverished. Throw in the fact that millions of these people coexist on the same small island, and each day there is bound to be some new shocking twist to see. It was on one of my first bright and sunny summer days in Manhattan that this bit of traumatizing upset entered my world.

No one ever cooks in Manhattan. The kitchens in New York are small, there is no counter space, most refrigerators resemble the dormitory fridge you had in college, and there is just no room to store food. Most people here that do cook, shop for groceries on a daily basis, and this takes time which New Yorkers just don’t have a lot of. This makes take-out an incredible thing. New Yorkers can find virtually any type of cuisine at their immediate disposal. It is usually cheaper than buying groceries and pairs well with our busy lifestyles. Another great addition is the corner deli. A two-minute walk out your door and you’re there. So, naturally, not being a great chef myself, I frequent these places.

After awhile you start seeing the same people in your neighborhood, and right in front of my corner deli, a homeless man had taken up residence. This particular day, while entering the deli to get my favorite sandwich, I saw “Homeless Guy” eyeing the cars parked in front of the deli. He seemed to be thoroughly checking them out and I found it interesting, wondering what he was looking at. I went in to get my sandwich and on my way out, I noticed Homeless Guy standing on top of the car bumpers – one foot on the rear bumper of one car, the other on the front bumper of the car parallel parked directly behind it. (New Yorkers are INCREDIBLE parallel parkers and can wedge their car into places never thought possible by patiently inching back and forth.) Within seconds, Homeless Guy drops his pants, squats down to grab his butt cheeks, pulls one cheek to rest on one bumper, and places other cheek on the one next to it, and proceeds to publicly have a bowel movement in the space between the two bumpers. The car bumpers were holding his cheeks apart so they wouldn’t get as dirty. This was helpful as he had no toilet paper, or a shower. That first episode seeing a half naked homeless man pooping between two cars in the street gave me pause, not only because it was so shocking, but also because I saw first hand, right in my face, how difficult some people’s lives are and how grateful I was for what I had. I also thought that you never know what your car bumper goes through in a day.