I find it incredibly interesting that it seems the only time I am inspired to write here is when something in particular really ticks me off. I've been keeping a list. This blog, in actuality, is more like my own personal therapy to rid myself of my angst and release my own feelings of hatred towards others that I have to deal with on a regular basis. Thank God I have something!
It is no surprise, being a waitress here in New York City, that I see a wide variety of people from all walks of life on a daily basis and have the "joy" of serving them. I would say, on average, about one-third of the people that I wait on have no idea how to behave properly when they go out. This blog is dedicated to greeting the table, and how to order a drink.
What A Greeting:
It is important for us, as wait staff to establish a good rapport with the guest. We want to provide all of our guests with a friendly, relaxed atmosphere, a home away from home, where they can enjoy the comforts of enjoying a great bottle of wine and fabulous food. This feeling should begin the second you enter a restaurant. The hosts will give you a welcoming smile upon your entrance and seat you at a great table, which has been made to look lovely by our staff, the lights are low, the music creates the perfect ambiance, a beautiful night where you can be happy, relaxing and enjoying and appreciating that others will be cooking and cleaning up after your family tonight. Sheer bliss!
Your friendly waiter approaches the table, ready to explain in detail the scrumptious selections of specials the chef has prepared just for you that evening, that will make your mouth water, but first takes a moment to say hello to you:
Me: “Hello everyone. Welcome. How are you tonight?”
Response: “What’s in the Chicken Marsala?”
(sound of needle scratching across the record) To which I respond:
Me: “Let me try this again. HELLO everyone! How are you tonight?”
Seriously, can you just have enough common courtesy for one second to be polite enough to respond with a pleasant, “Hi, we’re fine, thank you”. All I ask is to be treated nicely, like a real person, before you start shouting orders at me. Or is that asking too much?
The Black Widow:
Last week I had a table of three lovely ladies dressed up for a fabulous night on the town. They looked just beautiful in their semi-formal, black attire. I immediately thought this was going to be a great table. (Sometimes, I can be wrong) These ladies looked ready to enjoy their evening and I was excited to get them some really nice food and drinks to start their night off.
For some reason, our owners have decided to use white as their signature color for the restaurant. The tablecloths and napkins are white, the waiters shirts and aprons are white. I always joke that they have obviously never had to do any laundry in their lives, or they would not have chosen this color – especially taking into account that their staff works with marinara sauce, balsamic vinegar, and red wine all day, and accidents are bound to occur to make a mess that cannot be camouflaged, and that only huge amounts of bleach can attempt to take away. Nevertheless, white is a signature, authentic Italian restaurant color that looks clean and crisp and professional, so we use it.
I greet the ladies:
Me: “Hello, Ladies. Welcome. How are you tonight.”
Response: “Hi. Do you have any black napkins?”
I smile, thinking this is the first time I’ve gotten this strange request, and make a joke out of it, by saying that we are normally not in the habit of matching our linens to our patron’s wardrobes. The woman is not amused by this.
Response: “Well, this isn’t going to pill is it?”
Me: “No, Ma’am, it will not pill all over your outfit. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.”
Seriously?...
Water Matters:
We have these people called “Secret Shoppers” in our restaurant. The owners hire these companies that send normal people, who are NOT in the food industry, out to dinner and then write up reports on their waiter. These are highly detailed accounts of their experience at the restaurant and the owners take these very seriously. We can be suspended or even fired if these reports are not good. It is like a grading system of our job performance, and we never know when these people are coming, how they look, it could be anyone. Everyone is accounted for and these people are required to do certain things. They are supposed to make a reservation and note the host’s responses and if they sound friendly on the phone. They are required to then call back and switch their reservation in some way and note the host’s response. They arrive early for their reservation and go to the bar. Everything is timed and accounted for down to minutes and seconds. They note how long it takes for the bartender to acknowledge their presence and get them their drink, how long it takes for them to be seated. The cleanliness of the restrooms, if a manager greeted them or was present on the floor. They write about their waiter in depth. We as wait staff are required to hit certain points of service, and if we do not hit every point that is required, it counts against us. We are SALES people. That is our job. First, I need to greet you in a friendly way. Then I must try to sell you the following:
Bottled water. I must mention that we have Sangria and Bellinis as our Specialty Cocktails, and mention a Specific Wine on the wine list. I must mention a Specific Appetizer, like our Calamari, I cannot just say, “Would you like an appetizer?”. I must tell you the Specials (of which we have many), I must mention Specific Sides of Vegetables (as everything is ala carte at our restaurant). I must later mention Specific Desserts, such as Tiramisu, I must mention types of Coffees, and I must mention Specific After-Dinner Drinks, such as Sambuca. As you can imagine, this is a lot of talking, but we are there to get our check average as high as possible. If we do this, the restaurant is happy because they make money, and hopefully you will have a higher check average and do the right thing, so we will make more money in tips, so it is a win-win situation.
Lately, I have been getting this response quite a bit:
Me: “Would you prefer bottled water today? Sparkling? Still? Or would you just like regular New York tap?”
(Our owners prefer we not even mention the word TAP, however, I have found such a large number of people are ignorant, or foreign, that they just cannot comprehend this, so to make everything clear, I mention it.)
Response: “It doesn’t matter.”
OH REALLY??? It doesn’t matter? So, I’ll just charge you $6.50 for the bottle of water and add that to your check. Better for me. But I already know that since you’re stupid, when you get the check, you’ll complain, saying you didn’t know that you actually had to pay for the bottle of water on the table, then I’ll have to get a manager, then they’ll take it off the check, then you’ll be embarrassed and that will tick you off, so to take out your frustrations, you’ll give me a crappy tip, because it was obviously MY fault that I didn’t explain it to you. And by the way, soda refills are not free here either! So, I take a deep breath…..and say:
Me: “Well, do you want to pay for your water today? Or do you want free water?”
How To Properly Order A Martini:
After we finally get your water order correct, it is time for adult beverages (of which, you can guess, I am highly in need of at this point). As you know, I have already given the customer the vast rundown of limitless selections at their disposal, so I ask them what they would like to drink. The gentleman responds:
“I’d like a martini.”
And…..I take another deep breath because I know that if that is all you’re going to say to me, that you are obviously NOT a professional drinker. I also already know that you will NOT be ordering another, as you will be completely inebriated after consuming this one drink, because you obviously so rarely order them that you do not know how to do it properly.
Nowadays, a martini is anything that is served in a martini glass, so there are limitless kinds of martinis available. Vodka martinis, Gin Martinis, Cosmos, French Martinis, Apple Martinis, Pomegranite Martinis, Chocolate Martinis, Espresso Martinis…the list is endless, so if you just say to me, “I’d like a martini”, I already know that you can’t handle it. And if you are ordering a Vodka or Gin martini, here are the rules:
1. Tell me if you like vodka or gin and which brand you prefer.
2. Tell me if you’d like it up or on the rocks
3. Tell me if you’d like it dry (which let’s the bartender know how much vermouth you’d like)
4. Tell me what garnish you prefer (olives, lemon twist, etc)
When I go out and order a martini, I know that I enjoy a Grey Goose Martini, up, with olives, and I like it dirty! I’m a professional…
A total pro, indeed.
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